The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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