The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
