Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
