i don't like sucking hair
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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