we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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