on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
