I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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