I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
