I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
