I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
