I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I need to sanitize my soul.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Randomize
