Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
