He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize