i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
