Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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