So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Why are your pants in the freezer?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
