I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
