I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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