i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
tonight lets celebrate not being married
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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