When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
