you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
