Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
