I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I think I won the penis lottery.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
