I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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