Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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