so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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