This is not my ceiling
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
