youre lurking in front of me
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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