just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
