did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
