Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
