The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
