im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
