Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
