Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
