I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
it glows. i had to have it.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize