She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Let's get the cat blown out
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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