So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
