mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
