Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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