just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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