life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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