Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
