Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
