I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
