T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize