it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
