Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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