Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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