and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
