so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
