I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
