i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
