Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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