How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
