My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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