can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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