I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
PS: I just woke up from my shower
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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