God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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