you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
