i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
