He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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