when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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