Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
